Dear Mariella
Pornography
My partner is a heavy porn user
Mariella Frostrup
Sunday 20 March 2011
My partner is a heavy porn user. When he stopped, our sex life got better. Now he uses porn again and our relationship is falling apart mainly because of my anger. Porn has robbed him of the capacity to find me attractive. Do we have a future?
THE DILEMMA I've been in a relationship for almost four years; we're both in our early 40s. In the first year and a half we had sex about three times. I figured out that he was a heavy porn user. I explained it was hurtful. He stopped and our sex life got better. Then he became involved in online comment sites, spent all day flirting with strangers and we split up. I got back with him when he agreed to limit his time online. Now he uses porn again and our relationship is falling apart mainly because of my anger. Porn has robbed him of the capacity to find me attractive. At least I hope it's the porn, I wonder if he ever found me attractive. Do we have a future?
MARIELLA REPLIES In short, no. More importantly neither will any other relationship you embark on until you learn to place a higher value on yourself. Where does what you want figure in all of this? It appears to be not just sex you're short of but any sense of your own worth. Both of those virtues are essential ingredients for any long-term human coupling: if someone fails to value and respect you then you're not having a proper relationship with them. There you are worrying about whether he ever found you attractive when what should really be concerning you is why you still fancy him. Why would you pursue a future with someone whose own needs are clearly far more of a priority than yours?
The guy is a loser. He's lost in cyberspace while the planet spins on. He's not alone. Have you watched The Social Network? I was struck by the irony of social-networking addicts like Zuckerberg, whose real-world relationships dwindle at the same speed as their cyber life takes off.
Despite what may sound like a negative attitude to technological advances I've recently upgraded my feelings toward to the whole tweeting, blogging world. Like the printing press before it, the internet has incredible potential for the good of mankind, but not if all we ever use it for is surfing porn, swapping gossip and sharing holiday pictures. While we continue to bumble along in our celebrity- and sex-obsessed torpor, the developing world is waking up to the positive benefits of instant global communication. Watching how these mediums have played such a powerful role in the pursuit of democracy in the Arab world only a fool would deny that at its best technology really can give "power (back) to the people".
The recent mass demonstrations and peaceful overthrowing of non-elected governments using such social-networking facilities make your boyfriend look like a tragic dinosaur, sat there at his PC practising his web onanism. He's like the Neanderthals who once thought emancipation meant more sex, less responsibility. And yet here you are all but apologising for not being more understanding of his predilection for watching strangers have sex and his inappropriate cyber relationships.
Wake up, be angry. You're not the one behaving badly. Before I start a tirade about real relationships requiring multi-dimensional participants of flesh and blood not the one-dimensional fictions we create online, let's talk about porn. A great triumph of spin has occurred since the 70s, when feisty feminists briefly succeeded in sending pornography to the top shelf or under the mattress. These days if you speak out against pornography you're so, like, 20th century! I realise it's not cool to frown on sexualised images of (mainly) women, but I really do struggle to see what they have to offer my sex apart from mild titillation. Don't get me wrong: I'm all for being turned on. But forced to chose between my own fleeting pleasure and the insidious impact of hardcore pornography on global attitudes to my sisters and there's no contest. In a world where one in five of us will be raped in our lifetime and sexual violence continues to be a weapon of aggression in war and peace, just saying no to anything that might contribute to the continuing objectification of women seems the most sensible option. Most porn isn't made with us in mind anyway judging by the endless pumping, grinding scenes of copulation where severe cystitis rather than an orgasm are the most likely outcome for the female of the species!
My advice is chuck the man while you still have your own teeth! It's a cliché, but no less true for its ubiquity. You have one life. Don't waste it on a relationship that fails to live up to acceptable standards.
The situation you currently find yourself in is in no way a reflection of your physical attributes, but remaining with a guy who so clearly has his priorities skewed would suggest a serious malfunction with your mental faculties. You can have thousands of friends in cyberspace, but if you haven't got a friend who's in arm's reach you're a sad case. This man insults you with his reliance on porn, absents himself from the daily interaction a relationship requires and squanders his time on virtual strangers. Who's the loser?
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