My other life / Sue Townsend

Sue Townsend imagines her other life.
Photograph: Richard Saker

My other life: 

Sue Townsend

Sue Townsend imagines a life as a bon vivant, cello virtuoso and art critic

Sue Townsend
Sunday 15 November 2009

I

n my other life, I do not have diabetes, I have no use for a wheelchair and I have perfect vision. I am nine-and-a-half stone. My capsule wardrobe is by Chanel. I occasionally pilot a light plane from Leicester to St Paul de Vence where I have a permanent room at La Colombe d'Or. I give cello recitals in the Chapelle du Rosaire, Matisse's masterpiece, but I'm mainly employed as an art critic for Modern Painters. I travel the world in my search for great artists. I discovered Norman Grubbe from Wells-Next-the-Sea, Norfolk, whose naive paintings of seafood set the art world ablaze. His painting, Whelk at Rest, sold for £17m recently.

Another of my finds was Stella Fox, who dipped spiders into ink then encouraged them to run across a canvas. The Spider Paintings now hang in Tate Modern and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The RSPCA has called Fox's work "cruel and exploitative". However, since Brian Sewell trod on Fox's principal painter, Harry Hairy-Legs, she now uses slugs. I am suing Sewell for loss of earnings. My winter address is Jasmine House, White Sand Beach, Tobago. There is no phone, email or Twitter.

Sue Townsend's latest book is Adrian Mole: The Prostrate Years (Michael Joseph)

THE GUARDIAN

My other life / Jon McGregor

Jon McGregor

My other life: 

Jon McGregor

Jon McGregor envisages a world of infinite possibilities but opts instead for this reality

I

n my other life, the laws of physics are different. All decisions are reversible, and all options remain open. In a restaurant, I eat anything on the menu and then change my mind. Stuck in traffic, I take the alternative route I was considering 30 miles ago. Disappointed with my career, I apply for a different degree at a better university; go to all those parties and do more revision for my exams. Dying of cancer, I give up smoking before I even began.

I have a friend, in this life, who would like to live that way. Haunted by what she thinks are past mistakes and errors of judgment, she longs to go back for another chance. Just once more, she says.

I've tried explaining that my other life isn't much fun, but she doesn't believe me. Imagine, I say, when you can revoke any decision you have to make, how meaningless it becomes. How weightless. In my other life, I tell her, there are no rewards for making the right choice.

I've made a choice, and I'm sticking to it. I choose this life, with all its regrets, mistakes and failures; all its hard-earned triumphs and joys. I hope my friend will choose this life as well, one day. There aren't any others.

Jon McGregor's latest novel, Even the Dogs, is published by Bloomsbury

THE GUARDIAN

2010

033 My other life / Jon McGregor

034 My other Life / Maggie Gee

My other life / Maggie Gee

Maggie Gee the writer: not to be confused with Maggie Gee the aviator or dog obedience trainer.
Photograph by Sarah Lee

My other life: 

Maggie Gee

Maggie Gee was an aviator during the second world war – or so the literary festival seemed to think

Sun 14 Feb 2010

A

ll I want you to know about my real self is in my new memoir, My Animal Life – the ups and downs of love and writing. But how can I control my other lives, flaunting themselves in cyberspace? My first inkling that all was not well was when I was booked by a literary festival in the same year as Tony Benn. "And we've put your photo on our cover next to his," said the amiable PR on the telephone. How excited I was – until the brochure arrived: there was Tony Benn, yes, but he was flanked by a photo of a Chinese woman in helmet and goggles. Thank you, Google Image: a second world war aviator named Maggie Gee had dive-bombed her way on to my space on the cover. Yes, I felt dejected at first but at least I had turned out brave and pioneering, not just the cautious passenger I am used to, willing the pilot not to crash, from my seat near the emergency exit. There is also Maggie Gee the Californian restaurateur, beckoning with a life I would have enjoyed – seafood, sunlight, swimming-pool afternoons; and several Utah Maggie Gees, probably Mormons with tribes of children. Given the joy my one daughter provides, Utah is the home of my unlived wishes. But Maggie Gee the dog obedience trainer… no, there I draw the line.

My Animal Life is published by Telegram

THE GUARDIAN

2010
033 My other life / Jon McGregor
034 My other Life / Maggie Gee