Face
I am convinced that my father looked at me, really
saw me, only once. After that, he knew what was there.
In those days, they didn’t let fathers into the
glare of the theatre where babies were born, or into the room where the women
about to give birth were stifling their cries or suffering aloud. Fathers laid
eyes on the mothers only once they were cleaned up and conscious and tucked
under pastel blankets in the ward or in semi-private or private rooms. My
mother had a private room, as became her status in town, and it was just as
well, actually, seeing the way things turned out.
I don’t know whether my father saw my mother before
or after he stood outside the window of the nursery for his first glimpse of
me. I rather think that it was after, and that when she heard his steps outside
her door she felt the anger in them but did not yet know what had caused it.
After all, she had borne him a son, which was, presumably, what all men wanted.
I know what he said. Or what she told me he said.
“What a chunk of chopped liver.”
Then, “You don’t need to think you’re going to
bring that into the house.”
One side of my face was—is—normal. And my entire
body was normal from toes to shoulders. Twenty-one inches was my length, eight
pounds five ounces my weight. A strapping male infant, fair-skinned, though
probably still red from my unremarkable recent journey.