DRAGON: Robin Williams's best-loved gags

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Robin Williams's best-loved gags

Robin Williams

Robin Williams's best-loved gags

From the satirical to the political to the downright weird, here are some of the comedian's best one-liners

Richard Vine
Tuesday 12 August 2014 19.18 BST

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so … look at the platypus."

• "In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say: 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"

• "If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?"

• "People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

• "Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money."

• "I want to thank my father … the man who, when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said: 'Wonderful, just have a backup profession like welding.' Thank you."

• "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

• "I suffer from severe dyslexia – I was the only kid on my block at Halloween to go trick or trout."

• "Cricket is basically baseball on Valium."

• "Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures."

• "What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

• "I wonder what chairs think about all day: 'Oh, here comes another asshole.'"

• "They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing!"

• "Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out."

• "I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say: 'He's got ADD.' Fuck that, he's multitasking."

• "Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go 'omg, omg, wtf, zzz'? Is that rude?"

• "Death is nature's way of saying, 'Your table is ready.'"

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