The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
Bantam, £18.99
Title The Lost Symbol
Author Dan Brown
Publisher Bantam
Price £18.99
Tue 22 Sep ‘09 00.05 BST
Mwahahahaha. A stream of mysterious italics appeared across the page as the 6ft 6in initiate admired his tattooed physique in the solitary confines of the Freemason Hall. Soon the Secrets of the Universe would be his.
Six years had passed since his discovery of Mary Magdalene under a pyramid in the Louvre and Robert Langdon, world famous professor of symbology at Harvard University, had at last been invited by Peter Solomon, his mentor and the world's richest benefactor, to lecture at the Smithsonian in Washington. He doffed his coat as he entered the building. Then a scream, as a severed hand appeared on the floor.
Katherine Solomon was working on the mystical alchemy of Noetics in her top secret laboratory that no one else in the world knew about. She could transform leaden prose into pure gold.
At just 3ft 6in, Inoue Sato, head of the top secret CIA department no one knew about, commanded instant respect. "We have to find the perpetrator," she rasped. "The Free World depends on it." Langdon examined Peter Solomon's tattooed severed hand. "SSBXIII," he said. "That might refer to the Sub Sub Basement Room 13 no one in the world knows about." They headed to the depths of the basement. Cavernous. Immense. "Look," said Sato, "there's a coded pyramid in the corner. Can you solve it?" "Do bears shit in the wood?"
Mwahahahaha. Mal'akh visited Katherine in her top secret laboratory though there was no good reason to. Her cell phone rang. It was Langdon saying her life was in danger. She struggled free from Mal'akh and headed to her car. An explosion. Huge. Her top secret laboratory and all her research destroyed. At least it gave her time to think about Peter's son, Zachary, who had died in a Turkish jail 10 years previously.
A mason spirited Langdon away through a secret tunnel to the reading room of Congress where Katherine just happened to be waiting. "I am the Architect," said the mason. "We must find the Circle of Life for it Moves Us All". Langdon removed a piece of pyramid he had forgotten about from his pocket. AD 1514. "It's Albrecht Dürer, the Renaissance painter, born blah blah. His work makes Leonardo look like a half-wit." "And this book makes The Da Vinci Code look like a masterpiece," Katherine said. Escaping 347 CIA operatives, they met a masonic bishop. "Save the free world," he begged. "Then we must solve the riddle," said Langdon. "Jeova Sanctus Unus. Isaac Newton. Boiling Point. Eight Franklin Square. Bingo."
Mal'akh recalled how he had killed Zachary. He took the knife with which Abraham had prepared to sacrifice Isaac and castrated himself. So much more bollocks to excise. His transformation was nearly complete.
"Oh dear," said Katherine, failing to untie her bonds with Noetic thought, "we've allowed Mal'akh to capture us." "It's a Magic Square," Langdon gurgled as the water closed in around him.
Mwahahaaha. "I'm actually your son, Zachary," Mal'akh cackled satanically as Peter looked on. "Tell me the secret word and sacrifice me."
Sato burst in on Katherine and Langdon. "Luckily you were only drowned in breathable liquid, so you're still alive," she said. "There's not a moment to lose." Langdon rushed in as the glass dome shattered, killing Mal'akh.
"Thank goodness we prevented Mal'akh releasing his video of two senators wearing gumboots and doing funny handshakes, otherwise America's credibility would have been compromised," Sato said grimly. "Are you seriously saying that's what all this has been about?" no one bothered to ask.
Peter appeared from a pyramid hidden beneath the Senate. "Laus Deo, my severed arm is feeling better," he said. "Oh look," said Katherine. "I've managed to make all my research rematerialise through the power of Noetic thought."
"I've heard enough crap to last me a lifetime," Langdon begged Dan Brown. "Please don't wheel me out again."
Digested read, digested: The Lost Symbollox. Listen to the digested read podcast at theguardian.com/digested
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