 |
| JM Coetzee David Levine |
DIGESTED READ
The Schooldays of Jesus by JM Coetzee
‘Is it possible that I am the Messiah?’ David asks. ‘No, you’re just a very naughty boy’John Crace
Sunday 4 September 2016
“I was expecting Estrella to be bigger,” says he, Simon. “It looked much bigger on the map.”
“Where are we?” says Ines.
“I don’t know because we have forgotten everything except the bits we remember. All I know is that we are everywhere and nowhere,” says he, Simon.
“Why does your direct speech always end with ‘says he, Simon’ but mine always ends ‘says Ines’?” says Ines.
“Only Booker judges can truly know why this kind of nonsense ends up on their longlist,” says he, Simon.
They look at their six-year-old boy who is not their boy, the boy who is called David yet is not called David.
“Is it possible that I am the Messiah?” David asks.
“No, you’re just a very naughty boy.”
Simon and Ines find some work which they do to the best of their ability. Sometimes they fall asleep. It is hard to stay awake when every sentence has been crafted to be as dull as this. David sees some boys torturing a duck. Simon kills the duck because it has been fatally wounded.
“Are there burial rites for ducks?” David asks.
“That’s a fascinating question,” says he, Simon.
The owner of the place where Simon and Ines are working offers to pay to send David to one of Estrella’s two Academies.
“David seems to be a very intelligent little boy,” says the woman.
“That’s news to us,” say the readers, who remember him all too well from the first book, The Childhood of Jesus.
“There are two Academies in Estrella,” says the woman who has forgotten she has already mentioned this. “The Academy of Dancing and the Academy of Singing. There are also regular schools but I think David should go to the Academy of Dancing.”
“Very well,” says he, Simon.
The next day Simon takes David to meet the beautiful Ana Magdalena. “Ordinary sums like 9 x 7 are for the lesser mechanical mortals. Here I teach children how to get in touch with numbers through interpretative dance.” She shimmies across the room. “That was the true meaning of the number two. Only children can understand this because they are still in touch with their former cosmic lives.”
Simon wants to say this is the biggest load of bollocks he has ever heard and that JM Coetzee must be taking the piss out of his readers but he has forgotten what Ana Magdalena has said so he just nods.
“I want to dance the number eight,” says David.
Outside the Academy David meets an ugly, dishevelled man called Dmitri. “I work in the museum but as I don’t have any work to do I spend all my time hanging around the Academy,” says Dmitri.
“That’s fascinating,” says he, Simon.
At some point Simon and Ines separate but neither suffer any great distress as neither has any recollection of being together. Simon goes to watch Ana Magdalena swimming naked with the boys in the Academy and finds some pornography that Dmitri has been showing to the boys.
“Can I ask a load of second-rate philosophical questions that are usually found in the novels of Paulo Coelho?” asks David.
“That would be great,” says he, Simon. “I can’t wait.”
“Do you think I’m Jesus?”
“Well, you’re not David.”
Just then Simon hears a commotion. Ana Magdalena has been found strangled in the basement.
“I did it, I did it,” yells Dmitri. “Send me to the salt mines for ever. I deserve to be punished.”
“No,” says everyone. “You must go to a hospital for you are not well.”
The next 100 pages pass slowly for time is sometimes like that. The Academy of Dance closes, David is refused a place at the Academy of Singing and continues to be annoying.
“Psst, it’s me,” says Dmitri. “I’ve escaped from the hospital. Help me get to the salt mines. I was having a passionate affair with Ana Magdalena and I don’t know why I killed her. I need to atone for my sins.”
“OK,” says he, Simon. Simon doesn’t question this ludicrous turn of events as none dare challenge the plotting of a Nobel prize-winning novelist who has twice won the Booker.
David dances a perfect two. “That’s very good,” says he, Simon. “Now hide under the mattress so you don’t get counted in the census.”
“Is that because I am the Son of God? I can dance a perfect three if you like.”
“Save that for one of the next 20 books,” says he, Simon. “You’re still only seven and something tells me you are going to live to 33.”
Digested read, digested: Crucifiction
THE GUARDIAN
DIGEST READ / KISS
DIGEST READ / DRAGON
1999
2000
2013
2016
No comments:
Post a Comment