Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Robin Williams's best-loved gags

Robin Williams
 Robin Williams's best-loved gags
From the satirical to the political to the downright weird, here are some of the comedian's best one-liners
Richard Vine
Tuesday 12 August 2014 19.18 BST


"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so … look at the platypus."
 "In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say: 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"
 "If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?"
 "People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
 "Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money."
 "I want to thank my father … the man who, when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said: 'Wonderful, just have a backup profession like welding.' Thank you."
 "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
 "I suffer from severe dyslexia – I was the only kid on my block at Halloween to go trick or trout."
 "Cricket is basically baseball on Valium."
 "Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures."
 "What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."
 "I wonder what chairs think about all day: 'Oh, here comes another asshole.'"
 "They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing!"
 "Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out."
 "I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say: 'He's got ADD.' Fuck that, he's multitasking."
 "Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go 'omg, omg, wtf, zzz'? Is that rude?"
 "Death is nature's way of saying, 'Your table is ready.'"

THE GUARDIAN



Robin Williams / 'I was shameful, did stuff that caused disgust – that's hard to recover from'

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