Dear Mariella / Strangers in the night

Man in night
by Maria Karalyos

DEAR MARIELLA

Strangers in the night

The only women he feels happy with are prostitutes. But the price he's paying is higher than he knows

Mariella Frostrup

Sunday 15 February 2004

I am 40 and have never had a long-term serious relationship with a woman. The relationships I have had have been very mixed - those in which I met the women socially and got to know them as friends initially were a lot more successful than those I met through personal ads in newspapers.

I find myself going to clubs and just standing there all night, not having the nerve to talk to women. I have resorted to prostitutes and sex phone lines to try to get some sexual closeness without having to make the effort to get to know people. I went to a counsellor, but I ended up not telling her when I continued to use the sex lines and internet sex sites. I know the answer lies in me beginning to be more positive about myself and not being frightened to fail. I hope to ask my doctor to recommend me for more counselling. I just wonder if there are many men in my position, and what you might suggest.You're lucky I'm not single any more, or you'd be in for a savaging. I don't want to burst your bubble, but guys like you are 10 a penny in the dog-eat-dog world of the dating singleton - afraid of intimacy, incapable of commitment, unable to view women as real people, only able to see sex as a conquest and never as an essential part of a blossoming relationship. You ask me if there are many men in your position; you better believe it. Though why that would be of any comfort to you is a trifle disconcerting. There are plenty of men out there, publicly jubilant that they've managed to stay emotionally unattached for so long, but in the privacy of their homes surfing internet chat rooms and porn sites while cradling their Pot Noodles and wondering why their lives feel empty and lonely.

I'm not tarring you entirely with the same brush. Instead, I suspect there's just a light undercoat of that form of dysfunction, making it hard to distinguish between you and the truly hopeless cases. You have attempted to seek help, even if you decided to lie to your counsellor. You are not alone in that course of action either. Generally speaking, the human desire to be liked far exceeds the human desire to be understood. Hence the reason people spend fortunes in therapy trying to get their shrink on their side. I had a friend once who used to tie herself up in knots conjuring up interesting things to say to her therapist in order to keep him amused for the full hour and avoiding what she described as 'awful silences'. She wasn't at all impressed with my suggestion that the silences were there to provide time for contemplation. Anyway, you didn't help your counsellor and, in turn, she was unable to help you.

It's clear from your letter that you're aware of your shortcomings. Now you just need to stop acting like an idiot when it comes to your behaviour towards women. You're a smart guy, you know that the road to fulfilment doesn't lie in prostitutes and phone sex lines. Your current behaviour is committing you to a lifestyle where intimacy and real emotional contact are both absent. I'm sure you are aware that this is not the route to happiness or a fulfilling (and, indeed, less costly) sex life. You don't sound like the sort of man who is insensitive or misguided enough to let that happen.

This may be a step too far for you, but have you thought about giving up sex, let's say for six months? So far, it doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere you really want to go. You talk about a fear of failure, but if you're not out for a result then you can't fail, can you? By backing out of the business of seduction for a while you may find the process of getting to know the opposite sex takes on less onerous dimensions. Try communicating without focusing on an end goal and you might actually find you can form relationships (I mean friendly relationships) without failure as an option.

It's time for a radical rethink of your approach to womankind. You are being shortchanged if all you're using us for is sex. We're perfectly capable of putting on a good show in the sack, but we can also be amusing, loving, caring friends. Often, you don't even need to take your pants off to enjoy those latter delights. You are deluding yourself if you think you are achieving sexual closeness with strangers - that's just your basic, rudimentary sex. Getting to know people doesn't require that much effort. All it takes is a readjustment of your priorities and a little bit of Dutch courage.

I suspect you're in for a pleasant surprise.

THE GUARDIAN